We have a voice!!! DAY 8
Jul 16, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pobiyAT96Ms

this morning I have my original
breakfast challenge for 340 calories
turkey sausage one egg and English
muffin so today it's supposed to be
extremely hot here in Salem and so
normally when it's temperatures like
this I try and stay in the house because
I'm afraid that the babies can't tell me
that they're getting overheated and so I
like to keep it chilled down in the
house with the air conditioned and keep
kind of cool so I'm not really sure what
we have in store today if we go anywhere
it's gonna basically be staying in the
car just to keep us nice and cool but
and then this morning I woke up with a
little bit of a tummy ache not really
sure what's kind of brewing but so I'm
just kind of keep kind of slower Mills
today and just kind of try and keep it
easy but I definitely wanted to check in
with you guys and say good morning I
hope you guys are having a wonderful
start to your morning as well and I will
check in here soon hey guys remember you
can have I have this every single day my
green tea flavored with sugar free
raspberry large and it's got double cup
so it keeps the ice nice and cold for
even longer but I have that every single
day so I just want to remind you guys
that you can always still enjoy your
great drinks just modify them to the
sugar free fat free I mean I would be
careful if you were gonna do like an
actual blended drink because I did look
yesterday at my normal drink that I get
and it is eight hundred calories for my
drink that I normally get I was like oh
my god there's like almost somebody to
ain't my day calories but anyways
my kids is throw a look out the window
so anyways I just wanted to check in
with you guys and remind you you can't
have your favorite drinks just modify
him a little bit and then you can enjoy
him I was not hungry for lunch today so
I chose just to have another pepperoni
stick and so there was not really
anything to take a picture of
and this is what I had for dinner it was
so good it was 360 calories it's a
flatbread with turkey pepperoni and a
little bit of mozzarella cheese and
pizza sauce and let me tell you it
definitely killed my pizza craving hey
you guys good evening yes I am going to
be closing been a fairly like slow day
today like I had said with the heat I
don't I don't do good with heat anyways
and then with my kids I just don't like
them being out in the heat I am just
afraid of them overheating or just
really anything so for me I just try and
keep like when it's really hot just stay
inside where it's nice and cool we have
fun things to do and and things like
that so we just kind of stuck around a
house we went out and got some drinks of
course I got my Dutch tea as I always do
every single day that is my one thing I
get every day is my Dutch tea and for a
large it's only three dollars so it's
not bad and there are completely zero
calories so it's basically like drinking
water because you're not getting
anything out of it other than just I
guess you'd say flavor and I've heard
green tea is really good for you so for
those reasons I just combined them
together and I enjoy one every single
day but I don't use that as a
replacement for my water that is one
thing I just do want to make clear is I
still drink the amount of regular water
that I'm supposed to drink in so if I
drink something that's flavored whether
it be like flavored water or tea I don't
use those things as a
[Music]
as a substitution for drinking water I
still drink the amount of water I'm
supposed to so it just gives me extra
fluid I guess because I love so yeah
today was a really slow day and I had
some time to really go through like my
comments and reading personal messages
and things like that and one of the
questions that I get a lot and so I
thought that I would kind of talk about
tonight since my day wasn't too too busy
so there wasn't a lot to really cover on
activity wise I thought that I would
talk about something that's been brought
up to me many times and share my
personal experiences and things that
maybe I do that could possibly help
people out there that are struggling
with the same situations in the question
that they've asked I got my paper
because I didn't want to forget and
normally don't write things down but I I
really wanted to make sure that I
addressed the entire subject in the
manner that I know people were really
wanting to know the answers to and again
like I said before you guys can ask any
question I am totally an open book there
really isn't any question that's too
much for me to answer like honestly
there's you know we're all human we all
experiencing we all experience the same
things just sometimes you know you want
answers to something that you just
really don't know but you know even
sometimes it's embarrassing to even ask
your doctor or you know and so if you're
able to ask somebody that you feel
comfortable with that you know you're
gonna get a really honest answer on
their you know their situation that
would be me feel free so the question
that I got was or how I put it was what
I go through to go out like to be able
to go to a restaurant or
the movie theater doctors offices just
anything like that what do I experience
I experience nothing but anxiety every
time I hear we need to go here or we
need to go there and I know that it's
gonna be like a sitting down situation
the first thing that runs through my
head is oh my god are they gonna have a
chair that fits me or is the chair gonna
be sturdy enough to hold me or are they
gonna have booths so technically are
they going to be fat friendly and
welcoming and so that's a very first
thought that goes through my mind and
then runs the fear the shame being upset
beating myself up because you know if
you weren't this fat you know you
wouldn't be happy to deal with this
situation
I'm sorry I'm moving my camera around
I'm trying to adjust my wrist here um
it's such a touchy thing for most people
that deal with a larger body I don't
think there's ever been a time that I
did not have some type of anxiety going
into a situation like that so for
instance if we were to go to a
restaurant I have to make sure they've
got chairs open chairs not chairs with
arms open chairs if they have a booth
does the booth move back enough that we
could scoot it back or as good at the
table and you really think about those
things and it's so embarrassing when you
go into a restaurant and it's like you
have to rearrange that whole sitting
area just to accommodate your body to
fit into their booth or their chair or
their table um but I do it and you know
my husband he knows me so well that and
he knows how my blood starts pumping my
brain starts running and so he'll very
nicely and quietly go before me before
we get to the table and he'll you know
just it really quick very calmly you
know so it's not a big scene it's not a
big show nothing
and that way I could just slide right in
to wherever it is I have had situations
and I've been to Roadhouse here in Salem
and their chairs the actual chairs I
don't know
as busy as they are and you know they've
got to have money somewhere in that
company why they have not updated the
chairs just a little bit but I swear
these chairs are like toothpicks like I
sit on it and I hear good but I'm
thinking oh god I'm gonna be like
shallow I'll really soon hear I'm gonna
be flat on this ground in about two
seconds and if I fall to this ground I
ain't getting back up like we're gonna
be calling somebody to come help me up
and so I stopped going to Roadhouse
until we found out that their booths on
another section move so it made it a
little bit easier for me to get in and
out but with that there's been times
where we've went and we'll like peek
your head around the side just to see if
our booth is available and sometimes
it's not and so then I'm like crap like
what am I gonna do because I can't sit
on their chairs so we'll leave and we'll
come back later and sometimes we have
lot that it's open and then other times
we just like okay never mind we're just
gonna have to go somebody is somewhere
else because I clearly cannot sit on
their chairs comfortably without being
afraid to even move a hair because
you're afraid that the chairs gonna flat
out on you
so with Roadhouse it's I really I have a
lot I haven't been there in a very very
long time actually um but they're just
their chairs are so unpredictable you
just don't know um also with movie
theaters that's another one that I you
know I've had to deal with thank God
the ones here in Salem well they were
I've heard they've all been changing
great the movie seats they used to lift
up so you would have area extra movement
excuse
extra movement in your chair to sit down
a little bit more comfortable in that
way if you kind of spill over to the
next chair it's okay I mean especially
when it's usually your spouse that sits
in the next chair it makes it okay like
you're not feeling like you're making a
big scene but now they put in these new
recliner ones and before they really
renovated the entire theater they had
the new chairs out as like a I guess
like a show just to show people like
what the new chairs are gonna come in
looking like and I thought this is the
purse the perfect time to test my
whiskers and I call my whiskers because
I'm always checking to see do I think
I'm gonna fit in that do I not think I'm
gonna fit in that um so I was like oh
this would be a good time to kind of
stand next to it test my Wooster
whiskers out see if it's something I'm
gonna be able to fit in before I go in
looking like a fool so I kind of scoot
it over a little bit more and scoot it
over a little bit more and I kept
watching the worker something you know
God please don't tell me ma'am you can't
stand there or something stupid to make
a big scene cuz that's just how I that's
how I am I always bring a team to my
attention to myself
so I finally was like okay I got the
courage I'm gonna sit down in this chair
and see if I fit and so I kind of just
slid over to it and sat down in it and
it was really tight like it wasn't
comfortable to me at all and I thought
well this is great
so now our you know the one thing that
made my husband like to do on our date
night is go to the movie no that's gonna
be really hard to go to because I'm not
gonna go to a theater that I don't feel
comfortable sitting in and be sitting
there for an hour and a half two hours
or whatever along the movie is and be
uncomfortable the whole time because
they're special chairs that they put in
are not accommodated for any type of a
white person and they don't have any
other chairs in the theater that will
adjust to the size that you need it to
be so to me I kind of feel like it was
almost a
um I don't know really what the word I'm
looking for
but I just felt like it really
eliminated a lot of people that deal
with weight issues and you know a lot of
people can be thinner up on top and
bigger down on the bottom and it's like
okay well what about them what happens
you know for me I'm big everywhere like
I have bigger legs I have bigger I have
a bigger stomach I mean I have big hips
I'm big so for me there's no adjustment
anywhere other than get the arm up to
make it more comfortable but now that's
not even a that's not an option
so I'm really bummed about the theater
to actually do that I really that really
set me off I wasn't very happy when I
heard that they were really evaluating
the entire thing and redoing all the
chairs and in fact my ten-year-old son's
the one that I came home and told me he
went with a friend to the movie and he
was like mom and I was like going he
goes guess what they have all in the
theaters now and I was like what he goes
they're like recliner chairs and I'm
like in every theater and he's like well
for all the ones that I seen yeah and
I'm like okay and I didn't say anything
to him because of course I didn't want
him to feel like bad for telling me but
I thought so now that's gonna tell me I
can't go because I can't fit in that
chair at all so that was really
frustrating I so that's another thing
that I deal with his movie theaters I
have to make sure you know or make sure
that the chairs the arms are gonna lift
up or something because I just don't fit
any other way where else
oh another one that really hurts me is
we have a place here in Portland it's
called the Moto Center and it's where
they do like disney on ice and concerts
and sports events and all sorts of
things but the one dream that I have
always had since having my kids is I've
always wanted to take them to Disney on
Ice not just for them but I've wanted to
enjoy and go to and
I've you know you always especially here
in my situation you always trying Google
chairs for this situation for this place
or pictures of the stadium so you can
kind of see what the chairs look like
and unfortunately all the chairs that I
see in that Stadium
they're like bucket seats so you do not
you can't move the seeds and they're
like original Eyck original stadium
seats so they're like small like very
small like my problem my lake would fit
in one and it just breaks my heart
because it's something I want to take my
kids to and have them experience and
here because I can't fit in the chair I
can't go because again you know what am
I gonna do go and stand for the couple
hours that it is that I thought
something feasible I can't do that so in
return I can't take them to something
that I want to do so it's really hard it
really is really hard and I don't think
people really understand what a person
that is of a bigger size really mentally
emotionally physically goes through
before they go into an unknown place it
is scary very very scary doctor's
offices that's another one in fact I'm
going to be inserting a picture right
now
so in that picture you see that there is
a bench with two chairs connected
together and there's nothing in the
middle at my doctor's office they have
one of those benches and the rest are
chairs that have arms and as I've gotten
a little bit bigger they've become a
little bit tighter and a little bit
tighter to the point now a few months
ago I went to go to the doctors and I
squished myself into the chair it was
killing my sides of my legs I was
sitting there like trembling like hurry
up and call my name I'm bout ready to
scream well finally the nurse came out
to call my name and the most
embarrassing thing happened to me
because when I stood up I got stuck in
the chair and the whole chair lifted up
with me and it was a complete crap show
like I just I I wanted to run away I
wanted to run out because of course the
whole office was full of people and it's
a big office everybody was turning
around looking to see what in the world
was going on and what the commotion was
but I was stuck in the chair and I
couldn't get out and I was so angry I
was angry at the doctor's office and I
was angry at myself and I didn't have a
good doctor's visit because of that
whole situation like it was so
embarrassed of all most of the time when
you go to the doctors you're going
because you don't feel good so why in
the world do you want to squish yourself
into a chair and make yourself hurt more
than you probably already are second of
all you come to the doctors because you
need help but why do you want to go when
all you're gonna do is stress before you
go because you know what is laying ahead
of you and that's where I was getting
was I was getting to the point that I
mean literally I would almost be in
tears before I would get out of the car
when my husband would take me and I'd be
like here we go I hope that they have a
chair you know the the bench because
there's one bench that they have the
bench available before I you know when I
go in there so I have a place to sit
down he's like hopefully they do you
know just take it easy honey and it's
like yeah I understand you know and he's
trying to be incur
gene and uplifting but it's so hard in a
situation like that because you just
feel so alone you feel like everybody's
staring at you you feel like just like
you're the elephant in the big room and
so anyways one day I just got the
courage up because it just finally got
to me one day and I wrote a note and it
said I wrote a note to Salem Clinic so
to the administrator of Salem clinic and
I said you know it's so uncomfortable to
come to your office as a larger person
when you guys only have one bench to
accommodate people that are of size and
I said you know I think that it would
only be fair if you guys have placed
another bench in here so that there's a
few chairs for older you know older
people for over sized people so that
they also too can feel like they are
included in your office rather than
having to stand somewhere because
they're not able to fit and I I gave it
to them and that day when I walked out I
felt like I owned that whole situation
like I was like you know what I'm so
happy that I did this and I felt so
accomplished because I would never in a
million years would I ever expect to say
something like that and so the next time
that I went to the doctor's I checked in
and of course I was going through my
whole anxiety thing looking to see if
they had my bench available you know
hoping that they would hurry up and get
me registered before somebody else came
in and took my bench and I go and I I
see my bench my bench was open I was
like yes thank God so I ran over there I
of course took it because I didn't want
to be standing and I just happened to
look up and there it was the second
bench and I had to take a picture and I
posted it on my Facebook page and I in
the caption I said this may be small to
some but this picture means everything
to me because if it was a picture
of me standing up and advocating for not
only myself but for so many more people
that are suffering the same things I am
but again possibly are just too scared
too shy too ashamed to say it and you
know what some people say well people
shouldn't have to accommodate you
because you were choosing to be big
that's not how it works that's just not
how it works I'm sorry but we
accommodate people for size disabilities
origin I mean we we adjust ourselves for
everything and just because I'm big
doesn't mean that I'm less of or
unworthy of than anybody else I am just
as worthy I am just as special to be
comfortable just like anybody else and
that really that day taught me that I
have a voice and people can and will
hear me and I think that that's the day
that I really started searching YouTube
as something to do and I've always loved
talking to people and encouraging people
and uplifting people and bringing people
up because I hate seeing people struggle
I hate it and I sat there that day after
I came home from the doctors and that
whole situation happened and I was
really looking at that picture and I
thought you know what I think this is my
passion
I think this is what I love to do and
that's when I really was like you know
what I'm gonna be working on my weight
and I want to share it I want people to
hear me I want people to know that I'm
here struggling with you you're not
alone when you walk into that doctor's
office and you feel like that you're not
alone when you have to move a table or a
bench or chairs you're not alone when
you walk into a theater and have to see
what type of chairs they have and wonder
if you're gonna have to walk out and get
your money back
you are not alone because I deal with
the same struggles every single day but
the thing is is that we all have voices
we all matter so if something is making
you uncomfortable you change it to make
yourself comfortable it is their jobs to
accommodate somebody of size of
disability it is their job that is their
job and if it's not their job then they
don't need to be in that that profession
but I hated feeling alone I hated
feeling like my voice would never be
heard so I just tuck it in now my voice
can't stop it can't stop because I love
I love what I'm doing I love it and I
know that this is helping so many people
that are struggling and I just want to
say that I am here for you and I love
you and we're all in this together
because that's what this community is
about and that's what we're all about
and so that's my thoughts for today is
what I go through to go out that that's
what I go through the biggest anxiety
that you could ever imagine the fear the
anger the the self punishment
everything I put myself through to go
out
and nine out of ten our family doesn't
even have a real good excited excitement
experience because by the time we
finally get to the location I'm so
worked up that I'm not really wanting to
enjoy anything how fair is that to my
family how fair is that to me these are
experiences that we should enjoy not
suffer from so please if you're ever
feeling uncomfortable or scared to speak
please find your voice and say something
talk people will hear you people will
respect you and people will work with
you I promise you they will because they
did for me and I'm not any better than
anybody else anyways it's been a long
good day but it's getting late here so
I'm gonna go ahead and close and go put
my little ones down to bed but I will be
back again tomorrow and I will talk to
you guys soon bye
[Music]
